My Personal Journey to Recovery

Hello, I'm Sherridan Soule, and I want you to know that there is hope in the journey to recovery. Today marks my 200th day of sobriety, a milestone I never thought possible. I've decided to share my story through this blog to let others battling alcohol use disorder know that they are not alone. If you are on the path to sobriety or just thinking about it, this is a safe space where you can find support and understanding. I am here to share my journey with you openly and honestly, hoping that it may inspire and encourage you on your own path to healing. Remember, there are many ways to overcome substance abuse, and together we can find the strength to make positive changes. You are not alone in this.

Reflecting back on early December 2023, I found myself in a challenging situation. I was overwhelmed and emotionally drained, realizing that my drinking habits had spiraled out of control over the past two years. The unrelenting stress from work and personal responsibilities had taken a toll on me, leading to a breaking point where I felt lost and hopeless.

During that time, I had been juggling a demanding job and caring for my spouse, who was temporarily unwell. While trying to manage everything, I neglected my own well-being and turned to alcohol as a coping mechanism, which only made things worse. It led to a total emotional breakdown, which was a wake-up call for me to address the issues that had been building up and seek help to make positive changes in my life.

After an ugly, howling, anguish filled meltdown on my bed, I was exhausted but I FINALLY found the courage to get a referral to a clinic that could help me take the first steps towards healing. I opened up to my spouse, my doctor, and my closest family about the extent of my alcohol consumption, which mainly took place in the solitude of my cold garage after long workdays and on weekends. I had hidden bottles of gin everywhere, even under the hood of my riding lawn mower. It was a lonely and disheartening cycle, vowing each time to quit after finishing a bottle but succumbing to the urge to drink repeatedly. Despite the increasing feelings of sadness and shame, the effort to conceal my actions, and the awareness of the harm alcohol was causing me, I still found myself trapped in this pattern, grappling with self-loathing every time I made a trip to the liquor store.

In the next couple of days, I went to the clinic I was referred to for a medical assessment and to map out a plan of treatment. I sat next to my hero of a spouse and went through an extremely thorough intake process. I outlined my history of alcohol use, plus the family history (which is lengthy), all my maladaptive coping mechanisms, and a brief history of my childhood trauma. It was difficult but necessary to get treatment started.

The initial steps involved in addressing my alcohol abuse issue were focused on reducing triggers and seeking support. I took a break from work with a doctor's recommendation to create a healthier environment for myself. I also made plans to adjust my work situation to minimize stress. Additionally, I scheduled therapy sessions and utilized online resources like Smart Recovery for additional support. To ensure a comprehensive approach, I also planned to involve my regular doctor in my treatment journey.

At this point, I caught a really nasty flu bug, so I can’t even tell you if I was in physical withdrawal or not. I had been feeling off for the first couple of days after I stopped alcohol, but on the 3rd day, I felt the trademark sore throat and chest heaviness from congestion, along with a fever and body aches that lasted for 5 full days. I was bedridden for a solid week. The silver lining in this was that I had nearly no desire to drink because I just felt awful!

It took a solid 2 weeks before I was ready to begin recovery focused zoom meetings or online modules. In addition to being ill, I was also suffering from rock bottom dopamine levels. I later learned this is common when first stopping drugs or alcohol and eventually normalizes. Low dopamine made me feel like an absolute slug. I had zero motivation to plan meals, leave the house etc. I spent tons of time sleeping. This was a tough phase to get through. It was like walking through thick fog that gradually lifted. I had to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I was truly blessed not to be working at this time because I’m honestly not sure I could have done it without relapsing.

I was really fearful of attending my first Smart Recovery meeting via Zoom for a few different reasons. One was that I have never been comfortable talking about my true feelings or emotionally opening up with people. That goes double for strangers. I just generally don’t trust most people. Another fear I had was that I would see someone online that I knew and I had a lot of shame attached to my drinking and the stigma attached to being considered an “addict”. I live in a small town and word travels too far and too fast for my liking. I really thought my alcoholism was a weakness or a moral failing and I was convinced that was how the world saw it too.

When the Zoom chat started I left my camera off until I had a look at everyone involved in the meeting. Once I realized I didn’t know anyone there I mustered up the courage to let everyone see me and even to give an introduction into who I was and how I was struggling. It turned out to be one of the most positive parts of my recovery process. In sitting back and listening to people share their stories, I learned so much. I was like a sponge, soaking up tips for dealing with cravings, recognizing what my triggers to drinking were and also how to stop running from my emotions. I walked away from my first meeting with a list of reading materials, a lot to think about and the feeling that I was understood and no longer alone. I had acceptance.

Attending regular meetings got me through the holidays without using alcohol as a social lubricant and buffer to my in laws and their noisy and sometimes overwhelming (but well meaning) methods of communication. It was extremely difficult but I had my spouse at my back who was ready to leave with me at any time it got to be too much. That support was so helpful and validating.

Shortly after the holidays, I had my first one-on-one therapy session. I had tried a few rounds of therapy after an intense breakup in the distant past, but the methods used weren’t a good fit for me, so I gave up and never tried again. I made the assumption that I just “wasn’t a therapy person” and that I would just have to deal with life on my own. There was that mistrust rearing its ugly head again.

 I knew I needed help to stay sober and deal with some traumatizing experiences I had in my childhood, but I was fearful of sitting in a room again and not knowing what to say while a therapist stared at me in uncomfortable silence. I did resolve to be 100% honest and to really give it a fair shot. It turned out to be one of the smartest things I have ever done. I was lucky enough to find an outstanding therapist who made it easy for me to open up. I was immediately put at ease and told that all of my emotions were valid and safe to express during my sessions. I think the combination of such a kind and accepting therapist and the fact that I was truly ready to get to the bottom of my self-destructive behaviors made all the difference. I was finally willing to accept help and have gained so much insight into how I have been looking at the world through the filtered lens of trauma.

Soon after my first therapy session, I had to return to work. I decided to keep the same job but scale back my hours and responsibilities. I just didn’t have the energy to endure a job hunt, interviews, and dealing with the stress of starting a new job. Luckily, I had learned some tools to help me deal with stress in a healthier way. I had begun meditating and repeating positive affirmations. Meditation was quite difficult for me until I discovered guided ones on YouTube and began using mala beads. The sensation of the beads in my fingers helped me stay focused and able to gently return my mind to the present if it started wandering. Being mindful of my thoughts and scaling back my exposure to stressful influences at work has been working so far, but I know I will be moving on eventually.

The positive affirmations helped me begin to rebuild my self-esteem, which had hit rock bottom from the guilt of drinking and the constant pressure, feeling attacked, and unsupported at work. Affirmations and gratitude were steering my anxious and negative mindset in another direction, and I was finally getting relief from the torrent of self-critical thoughts that seemed to rule my brain. I was becoming aware of my thought patterns and gently redirecting them when they were excessively negative or self-destructive.

One other major factor in my continued recovery is attending group classes on things like relapse prevention, mindfulness, and relationships in recovery. I faced down the fear of being recognized again and began attending these classes in person, and they have been a real game-changer. Not only am I feeling safer expressing my emotions, but I am constantly learning new tips and techniques to deal with the urge to turn to alcohol anytime I feel the slightest discomfort. That’s a large part of my dysfunction with alcohol. I have used it in excess to avoid dealing with pain or stress. I have used it to the detriment of my physical and mental health in the past, but those days are over.

So here I am, just past the 6-month sober mark. I’m a complete novice in the recovery journey, but even so, I have come a long way. I’m soul-deep and sober. If I can do it, anyone can.

So where do we go from here? Well, if you stuck it out to the end of this story, I suppose you are at least slightly invested in sobriety. In future posts, I would like to provide more details about the different techniques that have helped me abstain from drinking thus far. The more tools in the kit, the merrier. Once again, everyone walks their own path on the way to sobriety. What works for me may not be what someone else needs, but I will leave it out there nonetheless. You are not alone.

One last note here... Stopping alcohol and certain drugs suddenly can be dangerous and even DEADLY. Medical intervention is sometimes necessary, so if you are thinking of quitting, please, PLEASE consult your doctor or get help from an appropriate clinic.